I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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