have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize