Ambien. No doubt about it.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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