Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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