I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
