That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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