Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
