just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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