I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
