I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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