dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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