Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
How does one acquire holy water?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
