I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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