I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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