i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
