I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
