The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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