You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dear god my vagina.
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