i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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