im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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