That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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