checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
