i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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