i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
