guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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