Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This is my gift to your gina
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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