White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
