A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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