she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
