I hate all girls vehemently.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
