So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
