i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
