bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
