one might say we're banned from that church
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
