Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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