i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
True strength comes from lack of pants
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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