I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
