I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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