Need sex. Gaining weight.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
