be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
