I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
