My Higher Power is John Stamos
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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