oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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