You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
