The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
