Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
