I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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