Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
