My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
