I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Hippo gnu deer
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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