I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
