Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize