Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
