this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize