please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
