I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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