Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
